Horizon: Life After Death
by SlayerKitty00
Summary: Everyone dealing with the loss of their favorite Slayer and learning how to get on with life. Implied Buffy and Spike.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This is a post Season 5 fic. Just a little something I wrote to deal with my "Gift" issues. This was beta'd by Mariann, who rocks muchly. She did a fabulous job. This story is actually unfinished, but I'm hoping that by putting it up here, I'll get it done. I have it all planned out anyway, so maybe I'll get on the ball. (  
  
Willow cried softly into her pillow. She had just returned from Los Angeles, from telling Angel that the love of his unlife was dead. It had worn her emotionally, and her emotions were taking their toll on her body. Her eyes were bloodshot, red rimmed, and puffy. Her body felt exhausted, but her mind wouldn't let her sleep. Ever since the night Buffy had given her life to save the world, Willow hadn't had a decent night's sleep. In fact, she hurt so much she wasn't sure how she kept on living. It was more than just the pain of Buffy's death and the hole it had formed inside her that kept her from sleeping at night. It was the guilt that was eating her alive.  
  
Willow's sobs came to a crescendo, and awoke Tara, who was sleeping in the bed beside her. Willow felt Tara's arms slip around her waist, which made her cry harder. Sure, she had gotten Tara back, but she knew it was at Buffy's expense. If she hadn't been so concerned about Tara, she could have done something more to help. Maybe, just maybe, then Buffy wouldn't have had to die.  
  
"Oh, Baby." Tara whispered, tears gathering in her own eyes. She held her girlfriend tighter as Willow tried to pull herself together.  
  
"Tara...I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I...I just feel so guilty, like if I had done something more, she would still be alive." Willow managed to explain. Tara wiped away a stray tear on Willow's face with the thumb on her left hand.  
  
"You did everything you could. She wouldn't want you to feel this way. Buffy would never blame you. Deep down, you know that." Tara reassured her. Willow sniffled, and snuggled deeper into Tara's embrace. She relaxed slowly as Tara began smoothing her hair. Willow felt herself drift off slowly, finally finding a small amount of peace.  
  
Spike wandered aimlessly through the cemetery, hoping to alleviate the pain in his heart by beating something demonic into a bloody pulp. However, the things that usually went bump in the night were not doing any bumping at the moment. Well, at least not the kind he was prepared to get in the middle of. He figured they were staying clear, in light of recent events. Spike figured he should take advantage. They'd be back. He sighed, and stopped walking. He had ended up in front of her grave again. There she was, all tucked in next to Mama Joyce. He hoped that they were together, where ever they might be. Spike sank to the ground in front of her grave, his knees landing in the fresh dirt. He took a sip from his flask, hoping that by the time it was empty, he'd be numb to the pain he was feeling. He touched the raised lettering on her headstone, and remembered. 


	2. Memories

A/N: Thanks to Mariann for being the best beta ever. She rocks, and went over and over Dawn's dialogue with me to make it perfect. See General Disclaimer for Credits.  
  
The memories rushed over Spike, causing his eyes to tear up. It was all he could do to keep from crying out, but he couldn't seem to stop the rush of images. There he was, lying on the ground, blood gushing from the knife wound in his back. He had lain there, disoriented from the fall, and stared up at the tower. He could do nothing but watch as Buffy had flown over the edge of the tower and landed into the portal. He struggled valiantly to get up, to somehow save the two girls that meant the most to him. Instead, all he could do was lay there and watch as she sacrificed her life for him, her friends, and the entire world. The fact that had only made him love her more and the more he loved her, the more it killed him that she was dead.  
  
Spike was a rational vampire, most of the time. He understood that she had never loved him, that it was never really a possibility. No one who was as good and pure as she was could ever love something as evil and cold as he was. She had given all for him anyway. That's what made a true hero. He took another sip of alcohol, relishing the way it burned down into his gut. The fiery feeling was a form of punishment, as well as a means to eventual escape.  
  
Another memory assailed him, this one even harder to get out of his mind. Dawn was sobbing her eyes out, clinging to him like he was some kind of lifeline, and she, a drowning victim. She was still wearing the black ritual gown, her feet bare. He'd had no idea how she'd been able to walk back to the Watcher's apartment without shoes, but at the time he hadn't cared either. All that had mattered was getting her to calm down, and start talking about what had happened after he'd been thrown off the tower. Willow and Tara had clung to each other on the opposite end of the couch, while Anya and Xander had shared the oversize armchair. Anya was half- asleep, due to the head injury. A stop at the hospital had confirmed a concussion, so Xander had to keep waking her up.  
  
"Pet? You've got to calm down. You're going to make yourself sick." Spike had told her, wiping tears off her face. This was killing him. It was bad enough that he had his own grief over Buffy, but to watch Dawn's...he had hardly been able to stand it.  
  
"Calm down?!" Dawn had exclaimed, choking on the words through her tears. "Buffy is dead! How can you ask me to calm down? You can't tell me how to act! You don't know how it feels..."She had screamed at them, fresh tears running down her face. The silence was awkward, only penetrated by Dawn's crying. Giles chose that moment to wheel in his tea service and pass out cups to everyone but Spike and Dawn. It hadn't mattered, no one had drunk it anyway.  
  
"I hate to bring this up." Giles had begun, "but I wanted to let you know that you can stay here tonight." He had suggested. It would be dark soon, since they had spent most of the morning in the E.R.  
  
"Or with any of us." Willow had offered, rubbing her hand on Dawn's back. After a moment, Dawn had answered them.  
  
"I'd rather just go home. So I can be around them." Dawn said, leaning forward to get a tissue out of the box on the coffee table. As Dawn began wiping her eye with it, Giles had spoken up.  
  
"I'll stay with you." He said. Dawn had just shaken her head, and to Spike's surprise, said that she want him to stay there instead. That had not gone over well with the Whelp, who immediately lost it.  
  
"How could you want him to stay with you? He's the reason Buffy's dead!" Xander had exploded. It had taken everything Spike had not to hurt the boy, but he figured that he didn't need a migraine and an angry Niblet.  
  
"Xander!" Willow and Anya had both replied in unison.  
  
"No!" Xander had shouted, going on. "I've kept quiet about a lot, but this is too much. There are other people here, humans that want to take care of you. You're just like her, though, aren't you? You prefer the monsters. You can't even see the rest of us for him." Xander had yelled at Dawn. Spike had stepped in then. It was one thing to yell at him. It was quite another to yell at his 'Bit.  
  
"I'd take that back, mate." Spike had said, putting emphasis on mate.  
  
"I'm not your mate. None of us are." Xander had replied, his voice low and dangerous.  
  
"That's enough, Xander." Giles hissed traces of Ripper evident. " I think Spike has more than proved that his love for Buffy and Dawn is real. I don't want to hear another word."  
  
That's when he'd been the most shocked, Spike supposed. To have Rupert actually come to his defense was high on the unexpected list, considering they had pretty much shunned him the last couple of weeks. He shook himself out of his thoughts, realizing that he'd been gone awhile. Though Dawn had fallen asleep as soon as her head had hit the pillow, she hadn't slept well the last couple of nights. He had taken her nap as an opportunity to get out and patrol for a few hours. He gave one last look to the headstone, smiling slightly at the epitaph placed on it. Dawn had come up with, of course, but it was true nonetheless. At the thought of Dawn, he stood up and began walking back to the Summer's house. 


	3. Decisions

A/N: Thanks to Mariann for the awesome beta. She helped this part out seriously too, especially with the Dawn dialogue. Warning! This part does contain an attempted suicide. If that is not your cup of tea, then go back now! Please keep in mind that while I've done some editing, as this story is over two years old and unfinished, I'm mostly working from previously written stuff. See General Disclaimer for credits. Please send me feedback, just cause it's mostly written doesn't mean I won't scrap parts and rewrite them. Let me know if there's something that doesn't feel right. (  
  
Xander sat on the couch, staring intently at the ring in his hand. He'd meant to as Anya to marry after the battle had ended, but with Buffy and all, he had yet to find what he felt was the right time. He was going to do it now, before he chickened out again. Besides, if he went one more night without proposing, Anya was very likely to return to her vengeance ways and find some creative way to torture him. With the way he'd been acting since the night Buffy had died, he wouldn't be surprised if Anya up and left him. The thought of her leaving was killing him. Anya was all he had left. He heard the front door open, and Anya setting down her stuff on the end table next to the door.  
  
"Xander?" Anya called out.  
  
"In here." He replied, shoving the rind back in his pocket quickly.  
  
"We need to talk." She said, walking further into the living room, and plopping herself down on the couch. He walked over and kneeled down in front of her.  
  
"You're right. We do need to talk." He agreed. "But first, I need to apologize." He went on. "I'm sorry. I've been horrible to you since Buffy...since everything. I've been trying to deal, and I've been taking it out on you. You don't deserve that. I hope you'll forgive me." He looked up at her, hoping it wasn't too late, that his recent actions hadn't cause too much damage. He breathed a sigh of relief when she smiled at him, and placed her hand on the side of his face. He looked down, and decided this was the moment. Hell, he was already kneeling. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out the ring. "I should have asked you this sooner, and I'm sorry that I haven't. With the way I've been acting, I wouldn't have been surprised if you had decided to end things. I've tried picturing my life without you, in light of what's been going on, and I can't. So I'm hoping that you'll say yes, and agree to become my wife." Xander finished. He held the ring out to her, hoping she'd take it. Instead of answering him, Anya flung herself at him. Xander barely managed to catch her as she planted happy kisses all over his face. After a moment, he pulled away. "Well?" He said, holding the ring out to her.  
  
"Yes. Of course, it's yes." She answered, her eyes shining. He slid the ring on the third finger of her left hand, and then kissed her.  
  
Spike entered the Summers' house, and silence greeted him. He turned his head, listening for the sound of Dawn. She was home, he could hear her moving around upstairs. Sighing, he began climbing up the stairs, and headed for Buffy's room. If he wasn't mistaken, that's where he would find her. As he opened the door, he got the shock of his life. Dawn was sitting on Buffy's bed, a steak knife in her hand. She was placing it against her other wrist.  
  
"Pet, what are you doing?" He asked gently, his tone urgent. He didn't want to surprise her, and have her accidentally cut herself. He was suddenly very glad he'd arrived when he did. She looked up at him, her face tearstained.  
  
"I can't take it, Spike. It's too hard, living without them. Maybe if I die too, I'll get to be with them." Dawn cried, putting pressure on the knife.  
  
"Don't." Spike said, intended to stop her. He moved into the room, but paused when she gave him a look.  
  
"Don't come any closer. I'll do it!" Dawn threatened, which Spike took seriously. If only she could tell him what had happened up on the tower after he'd been thrown off, then maybe she could start dealing with her guilt and heal already.  
  
"Tell me what happened up there, Pet." He said, hoping to distract her from the knife and it's intent.  
  
"I can't." She replied, her teeth clenched. "That won't make it go away. They'll still be gone. I'll still be all alone." She trembled, a sob forcing it way out. Spike was hit with an idea, or maybe it was just sheer stupidity. He had to try, though, he certainly wasn't going to loose the last Summers girl in his life.  
  
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself, I think I have a right to know what happened up on that tower before you die." Spike goaded her, hoping he wasn't making a mistake. To his relief, she pulled the knife away from her wrist. He reached over and pulled the knife from her hand before she could react, and then joined her on the bed. "I'm right here, Pet. You can tell me." He finished. Dawn pulled the knife out of his hand, surprising him. She turned the blade, watching as the silver gleamed in the lamplight.  
  
"She was so brave..." Dawn whispered, tears spilling onto her cheeks. She had spoken so quietly that Spike wouldn't have heard her without vampire hearing. "To do it...and I can't even go through with this." She finished, sounding disgusted with herself. She threw the knife towards the ground, and watched as it skittered towards the doorway. Dawn sprawled backward on the bed, and curled into a ball. He watched her heaving shoulders as she lost control over her sobbing. He had an overwhelming urge to comfort the girl, and glanced quickly around the room. Spike noticed a flash of pink, and grinned. Spike picked up the object and handed it to the crying girl. Her arms hugged Mr. Gordo tight, the stuffed pig that had meant the world to Buffy. Maybe now she'd be able to talk about that night. 


	4. Closure

A/N: Thanks to Mariann for the beta. As always, please send me feedback and let me know if something doesn't seem to fit right. I fell off the planet for awhile, but hopefully I'll be posting more stuff soon.  
  
"After Doc threw you off the platform, things kinds went downhill." Dawn began in a shaky voice. "He took the knife and cut here." She explained, making slashing motions across her torso. Spike knew this already; after all, he'd sat with her in the hospital room while she'd been stitched up. He didn't say anything, but let her continue. "It hurt so bad, but all I could think was that it was over. That I was the end of the world." Dawn said, letting out a sob before continuing with her story. "Buffy came charging up behind him as he was deciding where to cut me next. She pushed Doc right off the tower, and then untied me." Dawn's tears picked up a little, her tone becoming bitter. "But she was too late. The portal had opened." She hung her head, as if ashamed. Spike reached out and grabbed a hold of her hand. "I tried to do what was right, I swear." She went on, her voice earnest. "She wouldn't let me. I wanted to jump in and stop it, but she wouldn't let me. She had this look in her eyes, and I knew what she was going to do. I couldn't stop her, couldn't talk her out of it. I'll never forget her last words.... They haunt me in my dreams." Dawn managed to get out. She felt like she was never going to stop. Just when she thought she had it all under control, the waterworks started up again.  
  
"What did she say?" Spike asked, not sure he wanted to know. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could handle, much less Dawn. Dawn swallowed heavily, before speaking very softly.  
  
"She told me that she love me...all of us. She said she'd figured it out, that she'd be okay." Dawn's voice broke as she struggled to get the words out. Spike felt himself tearing up as well. Watching his Niblet suffer was killing him. He felt a desperate need to do something violent. "She said that life was hard, and that I had to live." Dawn paused before finishing. "For her." She looked up at him, her big brown eyes bright with tears.  
  
"You should listen to her. Your sister is...was very wise. She wouldn't want you to do this." Spike replied to Dawn's speech.  
  
"I hurt." Dawn whimpered, looking down at the bedspread. Her hair made a curtain around her face, hiding it from him.  
  
"I know. I'm not going to tell you it will go away over night. Take it from someone who knows, Pet. Hurt fades...and when it does, regret sets in. Don't have any regrets." Spike said. She nodded, wiping her eyes and sniffling. She spotted a tissue on Buffy's nightstand and blew her nose loudly. She threw the tissue blindly at the trashcan and then laid down on Buffy's pillows. Drowsily, she looked up at Spike. "Why don't you get some sleep?" Spike suggested, getting up off the bed. Dawn sniffled, and settled under the covers of Buffy's bed. Spike flipped off the light switch and stood in the doorway.  
  
"Spike?" Dawn asked, in a small voice.  
  
"Yes, Pet?" Spike replied.  
  
"Stay?" She said, not wanting to be alone.  
  
"Right here." He agreed, and pulled Buffy's oversize armchair next to the bed.  
  
He sat down and leaned back in the chair. After a moment, he got up and slid his leather duster off. Spike pulled his flask out of the inner pocket and then set the coat on the arm of the chair. Sitting back down, he reached into his shirt pocket for his cigarettes. He put a cigarette to his lips and flicked his zippo lighter. He glanced at Dawn on the bed and sighed. Spike took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it back in the box, and lit the candle on Buffy's nightstand instead. Frustrated, he flung his pack of cigarettes to the floor. He drank from his flask and set it down next to the candle, effectively knocking a book off. It slid into his lap and opened, as if inviting him to read. Spike picked up the book and studied it in the candlelight. He nearly dropped it when he realized the book he was holding was Buffy's diary. A momentary debate raged in his head as he debated whether or not to read it. He stole another glance and Dawn before slowly opening the worn book cover. 


	5. The Beginning

A/N: Thanks to Mariann, my beta. She helped me get this to sound so much like Buffy herself, it's kinda scary. Let me know if anything seems off or out of place and I'll do my best to fix it. Thanks for all the feedback so far, your reviews have made me remember what I love about this story. (  
  
March 10, 1997  
  
You know what sucks about being the new kid?  
  
Everyone wants to know everything about you, that's what. I swear, every time I turned around today, I felt like I was being interrogated. Around lunch I finally broke down, made a public announcement about being the Slayer and getting kicked out of my old school, before taking questions from the press. Okay, no, I didn't. I might as well have though. I swear, there isn't one person in this town, after today, that doesn't know who I really am. All I wanted to do was not flunk my classes, meet some new friends. Instead I got vampires threatening to eat the few friends I'd managed to make.  
  
Speaking of, let me talk about the people I've met so far. There's Xander...there definitely aren't two of him in the world...he's sweet though. Very different from other guys I've known. Then there's Cordelia. Hair, make-up and fashion are her world. I thought I'd have a shot at being popular here too, like at my old school, but lessons learned at the local club are screaming something else all together. More about that later. God, please tell me I wasn't that shallow. She's nice enough, I suppose, but how was I to know that nearly attacking her with a stake would piss her off? My next meet and greet was Willow. She's very quiet and studious. SO unlike my friends back in LA... fashion sense is obviously not her forte. Which doesn't make her a bad person...I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that she's one of the people I might have made fun of. I talked to her this afternoon about school stuff and her friends (Xander and Jesse) and she seems like someone I'd like to be friends with too. Next, I met Giles. He's British, and seemed kinda...femme when I met him. See, he's the school librarian and I only went to the library because Cordelia said that was where I could find the books I needed. First he scared the crap out of me by walking up behind me, and then as I was listing the books I need for class he interrupted me(rude much) and then he plunked this huge volume down on the counter. Vampyr. Now I remember old jobs like everyone else, but when my mom and I moved here I thought that I'd left slaying and everything that went with it back in LA. Did I mention he's my new Watcher?  
  
Anyway, the vampires were having this thing called the Harvest, and I had to stop it. Which reminds me, I met this guy. Really hot, in an annoying stalker kind of way. He followed me into an alley-and I tossed his butt to the ground. He made a lame (but cute) joke about not biting and I let him up. He gave me a cross on a chain and warned me about the Harvest. I REALLY didn't like him. Just because I keep thinking about him doesn't mean ANYTHING. So, like I was saying. The Harvest. The Master sent the Vessel (a vampire minion basically made into a mystical IV for the Master) and every life he took-it fed the Master. After enough people, the Master would be free to tread up here with us. See, Willow and Giles tell me that back in the 30's there was this huge earthquake here in Sunnydale and he got stuck below ground while trying to get out. Kinda like a cork in a bottle of champagne. Like the dutiful Slayer that I am I stopped him. Not without a casualty, though.  
  
Jesse managed to get himself kidnapped by the vamps throwing this big soiree, and they used him as bait to lure me down there to save him. I'm sure their plan was to kill me before I could stop them, but luckily I figured out that Jesse had been vamped and managed to get Xander and myself out safely. Sadly, Xander had to stake his friend while I was off stopping the Harvest. He did it save, of all people, Cordelia. Guess even if she treats him, and Willow, like dirt, he can still save her life. I lost a friend...or at least a potential friend. It's been an experience so far, and Giles is predicting that it can only get worse. After all, we live on a Hellmouth. 


	6. Two Minutes in Heaven

A/N: Thanks to Mariann, my beta. She rocks muchly. I've mostly rewritten this part, cause quite frankly, the first version kinda sucked. I just didn't know what to do with it, I suppose. Anyway, if this seems off some how, let me know and I'll do my best to fix it. Any feedback is appreciated, and longed for. It makes me want to write.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Scarred, ScreamFire and Spikeaholic101 for their reviews. You guys have totally made me love this story again. Please keep up the reviews, cause every time you review, I get the urge to post another chapter. Thanks for reading.  
  
June 2, 1997  
  
I hate being the Slayer. I hate being the one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires and stop the spread of their evil...and you know why? Because that's a good way to end up dead. I'm almost afraid to write the next sentence. If I write it, it'll be real. I don't think I could handle it, then, if it was real. Giles found this prophecy, courtesy of Angel, and it was about me. I remember overhearing them in the library. I was so excited that Angel was there, I hadn't seen him in weeks, so I moved closer so I could hear what they were saying. God, I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd never heard of vampires and slayers and watchers. I wish that this whole night had just been a figment of my vivid imagination. I wish. It wasn't, and as hard as I pray, it never will be. Tonight, as predicted, I faced the Master as he rose up to take over Sunnydale. Tonight, as predicted, the Master killed me.  
  
I got lucky, I guess. Xander and Angel figured out that I had gone to face the Master, in spite of the prophecy, and Xander did CPR to bring me back to life. For a minute or two, though, I was dead. Despite my dying, I was able to stop the Master. I kicked his ass, and then staked him good. I made him pay for killing me. After it was over, we all stopped by the prom for a celebratory dance. Angel complimented me on my dress, and we even got to dance a little. Maybe he'll come around. Maybe he'll admit he cares about me. Maybe I won't die again, anytime soon. Maybe. 


	7. Spike

A/N: Many thanks to Mariann, my beta. She's a goddess, I bow at her feet. As always, let me know if anything seems off or out of place so I can fix it. For all of you who wondered when I was gonna bring Spike into the diary, well, it's in this chapter.  
  
Spike looked down at Buffy's diary in shock. He'd just finished the entry about her death at the hands of the Master. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. While the first entry, and the couple others he'd skimmed so far had been pretty lighthearted, this one held a trace of the Buffy he'd come to know. The one who's innocence, who's hope was gone. It also explained why there were now two Slayers running around. Leave it up to her to accidentally go against the system. This time, however, she wasn't coming back. There wasn't going to be a miracle, and Xander couldn't save her again. Spike distracted himself from his heavy thoughts by flipping past the summer months in the diary. Surprising, the diary was actually a pretty good read. He stopped when he spied his name on page, and as he checked the date of the entry, a slow smirk spread across his lips.  
  
September 29, 1997  
  
Principal Snyder is a rodent. He's always got me jumping through hoops for him, and since I really don't want to get kicked out of another school, I have to let him control me. Last night was Parent/Teacher night at school. Basically, the teachers talk to the parents about the students and their problems, etc. Snyder seemed to think it would be 'neat' if I helped decorate and set up food and all that, along with this girl named Sheila. This is a girl who actually stabbed her teacher with a trowel. The only teachers I've ever stabbed with anything were actively going for my jugular at the time, and I mean that literally. As expected, she pretty much bailed and I had to cover for her. Willow and Xander tried to help, but I didn't want them in trouble too.  
  
Mom complicated matters by finding out about said event. I was hoping to never tell her, but that got ruined when she checked the mail. She basically threatened my freedom and teenager-hood if my teachers didn't report good things about me. So, now I had to plan the night, and study up so that all my teachers would tell my mother that contrary to popular belief, her daughter is not an idiot. This was not shaping up as a fun week when I realized that Angel and I had a tentative date at the Bronze. After a few previous misfires, there was no way I was missing him again. One more thing added to my list. My bright idea? I could study and party at the same time. Didn't quite work out, but I'll explain that in a minute. As I'm planning this fabulous study/party outing, and working on decorations at the same time, Giles picks that moment to come over and tell me that the world's gonna end over the weekend. Great. What a way to make my day an even brighter ball of sunshine. Apparently, Saturday is the night of St. Vegan something or another and the vamps were gonna have a massacre. Now I'm really stressing.  
  
I manage to get to the Bronze, but things didn't go anywhere near planned. Instead of studying and partying and flirting with Angel, I got a vamp attack. Angel apparently doesn't know when a girl is being cool, and he never showed. My French apparently sucks, and while I was dancing, a vamp attacked a girl in the alley. As the Slayer, I ran out and saved her. Xander got me a stake, and I took out one of the vamps. The other, however, crept out of the shadows and proceeded to scare the crap out of me. I think I hid well, though. His name is Spike, and he threatened to kill me this weekend. As the Slayer, I've had death threats made before. This one gave me a major wig, mostly because I think he could do it. Giles looked him up and said that he'd killed two Slayers before. What's to stop him from killing me?  
  
Well, Spike got his chance, and on Parent/Teacher night too. He apparently couldn't wait for the night of St. Virtuoso or whatever his name was. That was how I ended up locked in a room with my mother, Principal Snyder and some others. Let's just say I'd rather have my teeth drilled than go through that again. I managed to crawl across the ceiling to the library, got some weapons and started taking vamps out. Nothing like a good dusting. I cleared the way for Giles to start getting people out, and went to take on the leader. Spike. William the Bloody. Goose bumps. I don't think I'll ever forget the feeling I had as I faced him. I was deathly calm, ready for anything he threw at me. My heart pounded in my chest as we punned back and forth and I know he could hear it. I attacked, and he countered. We fought for a few minutes, but just when I thought he might actually have me cornered, my mother whacked him on the back of the head with an axe. Go Mom! She hit him and told him to get the hell away from her daughter. Spike ran off with his remaining flunkies, and Mom told me she was proud of me. Somehow, it turned into a pretty good night. Ironically, I kinda owe it all to Spike. Hmmm... 


	8. Happy Birthday, Buffy

A/N: Wow, did I let this story die, or what? Here's my sad attempt to get it going again. I'm having a strange desire to have more than one finished story posted on here. Thanks for all the feedback I've recieved!

* * *

Spike flipped past a few more entries and stopped when he landed on one that mentioned Dru in the first line. Interested in what the Slayer would have to say about her, Spike settled further back into the chair and mindlessly reached for his flask. With a small glance to the sleeping girl on Buffy's bed, he lost himself in the diary.

* * *

Dear Diary,  
  
It all started with this dream I had on my birthday. Drucilla was alive, and she killed Angel. Right in front of me. I wigged big time, but Angel managed to calm me down by reminding me that I'd also had a dream about opening an office supply warehouse in Vegas with Giles. I guess I'd better be more careful about what I eat before going to bed. It turned out that my dream wasn't just any dream. Nope. It was a bona-fide Slayer dream, to use a Xander word. Spike and Dru were back, even after I'd dropped a church on them. Well, ok, an organ, but the church followed. What does it take to kill them?  
  
There it was, my birthday, and Angel's life was in danger. It just figures I guess. Nothing else about me is normal, so why should my birthday be any different? We caught on to Spike and Dru's plan at my surprise birthday party, which Angel and my friends had decided to throw before Spike and Dru rose from those church ashes. Wills invited Oz...I mean she actually asked him out on a date! I was so proud of her. On the downside, he found out that I was the Slayer. There was actually someone who didn't know!  
  
Anyway, I had been fighting one of Dru's lackys outside the Bronze when we crashed my surprise party. Lieterally, we cam in through the wall. At least I know how to make an entrance. That was when we discovered their plan, all to do with an arm in a box. The arm was a piece to this demon guy called the Judge. Apparently, he was able to burn the humanity out of, well, humanity.  
  
Angel decided that he was the only one who could get the box out of town and fast. We got ambushed by some of Spike and Dru's guys at the docks, and they made off with the Judge's arm after tossing me into water. Before we were rudely interuppted, Angel gave me a ring. A Claddagh ring. He told me that to wear it on your right hand, with the heart facing inwards meant that you belonged to someone. He showed me his ring, with the heart pointed inward. I started to cry about that point. I was so sure he was going to tell me that he loved me, but we did get interruppted.  
  
We headed back to the library to let Giles know what was going on. After another horrible dream while the others were doing more research, I figured it out. Angel and I headed to the factory to do recon, while the others went looking for boxes. Xander was less than thrilled about having to camp out at the bus depot. We were trying to stop the Judge from getting assembled, but too little, too late, I guess. We were busted at his coming out party, and he would have killed us if Angel hadn't got us out through the sewers. We made our way to Angel's apartment, the closest safe place we could think of .  
  
Suddenly, we sized the moment. We had been slowly progressing to that point, and it was the most beautiful, loving experience of my life. Angel was so gentle, and I'll never have another night like that. Which is why I regret every single second of it. Because of me, of being with me, Angel's lost his soul. He's not the Angel I love anymore, as the demon that's wearing his face delighted in telling me.  
  
Now that Angel is playing for the other team, we really had to find a way to stop the Judge. It was at this point, I discovered that Ms. Calendar was really a gyspsy woman sent to make sure that Angel was still sufferring and his soul remained. She did a hell of a job. Xander came up with a plan that involved sneaking into the local armory with Cordy, and they stole me a rocket launcher. We blue the Judge into itty bitty pieces, but it was not all good times. I couldn't kill Angel. I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse, and I don't think I want to know. I told Angel the same thing I've told everyone else. Just give me time. 


	9. It's Over

A/N: I had this all typed up and saved on a disk via an old laptop, but when I opened it on my computer, I realized that my laptop used microsoft works, and my computer now uses microsoft word. At any rate, it was fun trying to get it so it opened up on my computer, but I managed it, so here ya go. Sorry it's kinda on the short side, but the chapters get longer. These last couple are short because Buffy is emotional and her diary entries reflect that.  
  
To Kori Hime: I'm working on making them longer. Thanks for the review! To whereistruth: Post-'Gift' Spike is one of my favorites too. Glad you liked my GG fic, I think I might be continuing it, so look for that. Thanks for all the compliments.

* * *

Spike was in shock. He had known that Angelus had switched to the bad side when he'd lost his soul. He'd had no idea that it was because of a night spent shagging the Slayer. No wonder she had been unwilling to have another relationship with a vampire. Her first one had been filled with nothing but heartache.  
  
Spike had never understood how she could refuse to be with him. Suddenly he doubted the things he had thought before. Maybe it was possible that she had loved him. Stop it, he thought to himself. There was no use torturing his mind and heart over something that would never be. Anxious to distract his thoughts, he flipped through the diary again.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I'm leaving Sunnydale. I've done more harm than good here. I just need to get away and deal with what's happened. No one can understand what I've done. I don't think that I understand what I've done. If only Angelus had never found Acathla. If only.  
  
Kendra's dead.  
  
Giles and the gang are pretty beaten up.  
  
It's all my fault. My fault because I couldn't kill Angelus when I needed to.  
  
Angelus had awakened Acathla, this demon who would suck the world into hell, but because I was waiting for Willow to restore Angel's soul, I didn't fight as hard. Spike had taken off with Dru, as was the plan. It was just me and him, battle to the death and then...Acathla yawned.  
  
I never realized that it would be my Angel I'd be killing. I could have handled it if it was Angelus. So I'm leaving. I have to find a way to deal...a way to cope with the idea that I sent my Angel to hell. Until I do, I can't come back here. It helps that my mother kicked me out. She found out I was the slayer, and she couldn't deal. So I grabbed some clothes and my diary, and hopped the nearest bus out of town.  
  
It's over. 


	10. Nightmare

A/N: Wow, this took a really long time to type up. Several sections of this chapter are the sole conception and property of Mariann, who helped me beta this story in the first place. She was gracious enough to let me use it, and I will warn you that the material is slightly disturbing and graphic and completely AU.

* * *

Spike's jaw was open so wide, it was practically resting on his chest. The shock ran that deep. When he'd left that day, almost three years ago, he'd had not idea what had gone down after he'd gone. When the world hadn't been sucked into hell, he assumed that Buffy had found a way to stop Angelus. In any scenario he'd come up with, they'd never ended with Buffy sending a re-souled Angel to hell. No wonder the Slayer had trouble trusting men. After a trauma like that, who could really open themselves up to someone else?  
  
Suddenly, Spike felt a pang of sympathy laced with understanding for Buffy's most recent ex. Captain Cardboard was not his favorite person, and would probably never be, but he understood why he'd done what he'd done. He didn't condone Finn's actions with the vampire trolls, or his splitting town on Buffy, and Spike knew that if he had ever had any kind of shot with the girl, he would never even dreamed of screwing it up.  
  
Glancing at the diary entry again, he re-read the last couple of lines, especially the last one.  
  
"It's over."  
  
Those two words conveyed Buffy's hopelessness. The Slayer had left town, her tail between her legs, fresh from an argument with her mother and a confrontation with Angel. Spike never knew that she'd left town either. It was one of those things that her friends never brought up, mostly because they'd have to admit that her leaving had probably pissed them off.  
  
Spike started flipping pages in the diary, skimming pieces of entries. He tried not to comment out loud at some of the passages, in fear of waking Dawn. When he read about what Giles and the Council of Wankers had subjected Buffy to on her eighteenth birthday, Spike got so angry he vamped out and growled loudly. He was lucky that Dawn was a heavy sleeper. He skimmed farther a head, pausing to read the entry where he'd discovered his chip. She spared him no insult. He grinned. That was his girl all right. Well, he could dream, anyway.  
  
He kept reading, flipping ahead when the entries seemed boring or mundane, and he paused at the start of the entry dated a couple of months ago.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Another typical night in Sunnydale. Vampires, patrol, Bronze. My mom had a semi-good day, and with Giles to look after her and Dawn for a few hours, I set out to do my job. Getting out of the house didn't help though. I can't seem to shake the dream I had last night. I've never been so frightened in my whole life. I'm so wigged, every little noise has made me jump today. I'll never forget the screaming...  
  
My mom screamed as she awoke to find a creature standing over her with a solemn but deadly expression on his face. She screamed for me again, and again, but I never appeared. My mom thrashed in her bed as she tried to disentangle herself from the covers. She was unable, weak from the tumor. The creature continued to stare at her with a mouth full of fangs. His arms came down and pinned her wrists above her head, all the while she screamed for me. I was the only one who could save her, but I still didn't come.  
  
Annoyed with my mom's constant screaming, the vampire backhanded her across the face. Her lip split from the force of the blow. A grin crossed his face as she cried out in pain and terror. It was then that I realized I had made a deal with creature, and that the reason I saw all this is because I was watching it from the doorway of her room. I turned my back, as if not seeing it would make it go away. My mom screamed once more before a second blow silenced her. She stared at the ceiling in a daze, to weak to move or make a sound. With fangs razor sharp and hungry, the vampire leaned over her and drained all but a little bit of the blood running through her vains.  
  
"It was her idea." He whispered, gesturing to me. My mother's head turned slowly and she stared blankly in my direction, a sob sounding from her bleeding throat. He grinned again as he lifted her wrist to his mouth and tore open the vein. He opened her mouth and laid his wrist against upon her lips, chuckling with he felt my mother's lips put pressure on the wound and begin to drink eternity from his veins.  
  
How I saw all this with my back turned was beyond me, but the image is ingrained into my mind. As the flow of blood from his wrist slowed, my mother exhaled violently and collapsed, her body cooling as death swept over her. He surveyed his handiwork, before turning to me with her blood coating his lips and teeth. As he walked towards me, desire spread through my limbs.  
  
"You wanted this." He mocked, rocking back on his heels. In the blink of an eye, he whirled me around. I stared at him, his face and teeth dripping with my mother's blood. I glanced at my mother's body on the bed and grinned. I looked up at Spike, and pulled his head towards mine.  
  
Sticking my tongue out, I slowly began lapping at what was left of my mother's blood on his face. Once his face was clean, I ravished his mouth with my tongue, trying to get every last precious drop of her blood. He grinned like a mad man as I broke the kiss.  
  
"Your turn." He said, as he lowered his face quickly and struck at my neck with his fangs. I wrapped my legs around him, and tried to pull him deeper...  
  
That was when I woke up. I'm surprised my screaming didn't wake mom or Dawn. I'm trying to deal with the fact that this may not have been a dream, but a prophecy. I so wigged, I can't even tell Giles. I'm stuck, trying to prevent something that may or may not happen. Worst of all, I have to deal with what to say to Spike. The image of his fangs buried in my mother's throat is imprinted on my retina. 


	11. True Cofessions

There weren't any words to describe how Spike was feeling. None whatsoever. He reached blindly for his flask, and downed the last few precious swigs in one gulp. Once it was empty, he tossed it to the floor, and ran his hands roughly through his hair. He just stared at the diary, wondering if he was imagining what he's just read. He fingered the page delicately, wishing he'd had any inkling before Buffy had...

It was too late now, he thought, shaking his head. Against his will, but unable to stop himself, Spike realized he'd turned the page to another entry.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Mom is doing tons better. She actually went out on a date tonight, and for once it's nice not to worry about her every second of every minute of every day. Dawn and I got in our fair share of good-natured teasing, which was nice considering the cloud of doom that was hanging over our house before the surgery. That was the good part of tonight.

If Mom's going out tonight was one of the best things that could've happened today, then what happened to me was the worst. My hand's shaking so much I can barely write the words.

Spike told me he loved me.

I'm practically one step away from that dream a had a few weeks ago. I don't want this, I don't. Not at the expense of my mother's life.

Drucilla came back to town, intent on turning Spike into what he used to be before the chip. She would've succeeded, but Spike decided he had other plans. Plans that included tasering me with a cattle prod and chaining me up in the basement of his crypt. His plans didn't just include me, however. Dru was down there too, and Spike was actually going to _stake her _to prove his love _for me. _He was standing right there, not a foot in front of me, begging me for a crumb, a _crumb_ that would indicate that maybe one day I could love him.

I don't know which was worse: Me, fighting my feelings for him, or him, expressing his feelings for me. Even though I totally played down what his staking Dru really meant, I knew what it would take for him to do something like that. I couldn't admit it, no matter how I wanted. No matter how I feel about him, because nothing is more important than my mother's life.

I've taken drastic measures. We've shut him out of the house. I said some absolutely horrible things to him before I beat the crap out of him last night. I'm not going near him unless absolutely necessary. I'm not taking any chances with my mother's life.


	12. It's Not Real

Spike turned the page to the next entry, and dread filled him as he glanced at the date of the entry. He swallowed hard, unsure whether or not he could read what followed. Steeling himself, and desperately wishing for some additional form of alcohol to help him finish what he'd started, he began to read.

Dear Diary,

It's not real.

It's not.

She's not...

She can't be...

They said, but...

Mom's not dead. She can't be. I need her. Dawn needs her. I can't do this without her. I found her...on the couch. So still...peaceful. Like she was sleeping.

She was cold. I threw up.

Oh, God. What am I going to do?


	13. Live, For Me

A/N: Almost done. Maybe one more chapter to go, in a story that's about three years in the making. Thanks to everyone who read.

* * *

Spike wiped his eyes. The last entry, however short, had sent his teetering emotions over the edge. What Buffy had felt over the loss of her mother, he was now feeling over the loss of her. Sure, he was a vampire, and sure, he'd lived longer than most. It never got easier, losing people. Determined to move ahead, he flipped past the entries about the funeral, and leaving town to get away from Glory. He got a little overzealous, and landed on a blank page. He stared at it for a few minutes, and then backtracked to the last entry in the diary. Spike debated silently if he was up for reading it, before letting his eyes drift slowly down the page. 

Dear Diary,

There's little time, and Spike is waiting. Tonight's the night we go up against Glory. We've faced many apocalypse's before, but this one...this one is different. We aren't all going to make it, and as heartless as it makes me seem, as long as Dawn is all right, I'm not sure it matters. The Spirit Guide in the desert told me that death is my gift. I hope so, because it's going to take everything I can dish out to keep Glory from sacrificing my sister to the universe. I don't know why, but I'm feeling like I ought to leave some sort of message behind for my friends, just in case. So here it is:

Giles: Why is it that I never know what to say to you? I think it really boils down to one thing. I love you, Dad.

Willow and Xander: You two are the best friends a girl could have. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. For every time I saved your lives, you saved mine in return.

Anya and Tara: I haven't known you two as long as everyone else, but I'm glad that you've been in my life, and that my friends make you happy. I wish you every happiness. Thanks for being my friends.

Angel: Our paths may have been in different directions, but all roads lead to you in some way. Please don't let anything that happens affect your work in L.A. Keep on helping the hopeless.

Dawn: God, what do I say to you? First, this isn't your fault. No matter what happens, you didn't ask for this, and you don't deserve it either. I love you, no matter how you were brought into my life. It's been an honor to be your sister.

Spike: I'm sorry I couldn't tell you how I really feel. It means more than you'll know that you've vowed to protect Dawn the way you did tonight. I won't forget it, even if things between us never go anywhere. I've spent so long afraid of what I feel for you that I'm not sure how to make that next step to admitting what it is that draws me to you, that keeps me coming back. If the end of the world is tonight, know that I'm sorry I couldn't say that I love you.

Good-bye,

Buffy


End file.
